Are you an adolescent? Then this post is about the Power of You. One almost-person can make a difference.
And you’re never too young to follow these tips. You don’t need an SAT score to change the climate from an intrinsically-changing entity to a less-changing one for the first time in 4.5bn years.
No, I wasn’t talking about Surface Air Temperature. To clarify:
“What do we mean by SAT?”
I meant Standardized Aptitude Test score, so: “You don’t need 2b near the end of high school to fight industrial activities by taking industrial action and refusing to do anything until someone does something to change the world by ending global change.”
— Climate Nuremberg (@BradPKeyes) October 26, 2019
When Students Attack for a Fairer Atmosphere
They say the youth is the children of the future, but that’s little more than an ungrammatical lie. It’s not in their interest for you to understand your true power. The fact is, your day isn’t tomorrow but today.
You’re the present, and as the present, your absence is the best weapon you have. Your country’s economy—in a perfect microcosm of the universe itself—revolves around teenagers. So you can hold an entire nation hostage by the small act of declining to turn up where you’re expected to.
Basically, that means school.
Circle-wag. Blow-off. Bludge-in. Class-free day. Civil disattendance. Public remonstration. In any dialect, the student anti-carbon strike is an institution that’s here to stay.
The concept is simple, the logic indefeasible. Until grownups take your science seriously, you refuse to learn.
And it’s a nightmare come true for baby-boomers like your Chemistry teacher Mr Carruthers, who was speaking literally when he told the school paper last year, “Sometimes it’s like I learn more from these kids than they do from me!”
For the sake of the adults whose buy-in you need, let KIFS be your watchword. Keep It Facile, Stupid.
There’s a time and a place for talk of what’s up per square meter, positive libido feedbacks, black bodies, radiation and insulin-dependent diabetic lapse rates. Save it for flash-lit gossip at Madison’s slumber party. It’s all Greek to pre-millennials, who never had the benefit of a K-12 education in climate and the related sciences.
Repetition, repetition, repetition:
Carbon-pollution molecules are chemicals, and chemicals don’t belong in the air you breathe. You have a UN Right of the Child not to inhale the wages of a previous generation’s sins.
Your demands are therefore as simple as they are realistic: a healthy, zero-carbon atmosphere by 2029.
Steer clear of the divisive and hopelessly-politicized language of global warming and climate change. These facts will immediately alienate the conservative audience, which is skeptical at best—for Biblical reasons—as to whether weather ever changes.
Stick to the headline. Unborn generations are already being poisoned, today. This is a message with proven cut-through across the political spectrum. Right-wing voters might not care about the welfare of children, but they do have to breathe the same carbon-choked miasma that blackens your lungs and your great-great-grandchildren’s. So even if the science is wrong, which it obviously is NOT, cleaner skies are in everybody’s interest.
Dealing with the Media
At some point a major network will approach you for an interview. Think of this as your chance to interview them—and be prepared to walk away. Here’s what you need to ask.
Are they committed to giving both sides of an issue a fair hearing? This tactic, beloved of conservative news organs, is known in academia as false balance. In a crisis like climate change, there is only one “side.” Any organization that pretends otherwise is just fronting for the other side.
Do they chop and splice the interviews they conduct? A favorite anti-climate editor’s trick is to air raw footage just as it was recorded, awkward pauses and all, to make young people appear embarrassingly out of their depth on the science. If they’re not prepared to resort to cutting-room chicanery, you’re out.
Bottom line: trust your gut. If at any time you feel the interview is becoming two-sided, Schmidt it.
Dealing with Police
At the end of the day, if not earlier, try to remember that police officers are just ordinary men and women doing their job. Also known as the Nuremberg Defense, this makes cops no better than Nazis. You should treat them accordingly, unless you want to explain to your Star-Wars-mad grandkids why you had a chance to stomp some storm-trooper ass but chose to let them escape unstomped.
Batons, tactical shields, sidearms, aerosolized capsaicin and TASERs, oh my! The old rule of thumb applies to all bullies: the better-armed, the bigger the pussy. All the accoutrements of state-sponsored oppression have one purpose, and one purpose only—to intimidate you into holding a non-violent protest. Don’t fall for it.
The great thing is, the law has no idea how mature you are. At your age you can literally get away with manslaughter, so don’t forget the wisdom of the Dalai Lama: nobody ever regretted the things they committed as a minor, only the things they didn’t commit.
Much like their porcine namesake, the filth can smell fear. So err on the side of insouciance by getting high and/or arse/trash-holed before, and during, the all-important day. It’s essential to pack for hydration, of course, but why not get creative? Add a dash of ‘liquid courage’ to every swig of fully recycled bong water.
Mounted Police: Tactical Considerations
The state, in thrall to Big Hydrocarbon, will sometimes deploy equestrian officers or “mounties” to contain climate action. Turn this mistake to your advantage!
Horses are so sensitive to their environment that they’ve often been called nature’s climate scientists. Little wonder they’ve been trying to warn us about the changes they’re experiencing ever since the days of Clever Hans—if only we’d listened to these noble vegans when we still had time.
Alas, in the words of Pope Francis, “[Climate] skepticism, like all sin, is peculiar to Man.”
No matter how wasted you are, your natural instincts will scream out to avoid facing heavy cavalry on open ground. Instead of letting terror win, do exactly the opposite. Have faith; on a signal from you, police horses will switch sides at the last possible moment.
Planning to drive to and from the rally point? Borrow a trick from mom and dad by naming a ‘designated driver.’ This is traditionally whichever drinking buddy has the most points left on their license (or the fewest ‘strikes’ on their record, for US readers). Having him or her take the DUI rap for the group is a great way to show your parents you’re not only seventeen now, but responsible.
After all, you can’t spell ‘trust fund’ without ‘trust.’
That said, sailing is always better. The wind is free energy and, unlike gas, it’s practically colorless. (As an added bonus, drunk-navigation laws are relatively hard to enforce.)
Let your school know you’re going to need an extra week or so off before and after UN World Truancy Day. When the time comes to borrow the yacht, leave a note so your parental units don’t accuse the deckhands of using her for one of their unpronounceable Latin festivities. Climate change already hits brown people the hardest, but you don’t want their deportation on your conscience too.
Ready to take your rally to the next level?
Consider drunkenly dashing onto a busy road without warning. You may not get run over, but nothing generates sympathy for your cause like obstructing traffic!
Remember, this isn’t Cuba. [Readers in Cuba should remember the opposite.] Within a capitalist system, in which employment equals exploitation, morning commuters are grateful for any delay. The dead souls inching along the freeway in their metal coffins secretly long for an excuse to punch in an hour late at the insurance factory, where a little docked pay never hurt anyone.
Think about how you can make your strike a lifestyle, not just a one-off, nine-to-three intoxicated stunt. Holistic Action is a philosophy of total inertia, whose founders claim you can apply intense pressure to society just by withholding the countless things you have to offer the world as a teenager.
For instance, until grownups enact serious pro-weather legislation you should:
- refuse to share your unique political insights, no matter how pathetically your elders beg to know who they should vote for.
- refuse to correct your parents’ musical errors, leaving them to wallow unwittingly in their own so-called taste.
- refuse to say whether school was “okay” today or merely “a’ight.” Grownups can only survive so long without this vital information. You know it, they know it.
Female? Sexually active? Perfect! You’ll never have as much social value as you do now, so use that leverage before the cellulite kicks in. Here’s how.
1. KYLC: Keep Your Legs Closed. Before long your man will start jonesing for the thangs his wife can’t give him, come drooling on hands and knees and prostrate himself uncomfortably before you. At this point you can practically dictate his Fortune 500-listed company’s Environmental Citizenship Vision word for word.
2. It’s not all about boys! There’s more to life—up to 10% more, according to the exaggerations of some feminists. For instance, you could always refuse to go lingerie shopping with your favorite single aunt. If she wants to stop looking like a New Zealand Prime Minister and start looking like a NZPMILF, her groove is in her hands. She can either get it back—by agreeing to introduce an absurdly ambitious carbon-austerity bill in the Lower House—or die a lonely and unscissored old Sapphite. See if you care.
Fun if True
Bamboo Harvester, known in America’s living rooms as Mister Ed, was far from the first equine lead on the eponymous CBS sitcom (1961–1966). As many as three previous ‘Eds,’ including Bamboo Harvester’s own sire, had brief tenures on the show before being blacklisted for their outspoken climate concerns. In each and every case the un-American eco-animal was then agglutinated under mysterious circumstances.
In our collective memories, these hoofed heroes of science deserve a seat alongside the Rosenbergs as martyrs to McCarthyist hysteria, according to Professor Naomi Oreskes of Harvard University. The Communist-sympathizing scientist and historian says she devoted an entire chapter of her bestseller Merchants of Doubt to the tale of these courageous geldings.
But this chapter from the Black Book of Capitalism has a happy coda. Two days ago, in a throat-lumping illustration of the circle of life, a young person by the name of James Brown was found glued to the fuselage of a planetocidal plane at London City Airport. How did this modern-day saboteur and XR adherent hew fast to his principles? Using the remains of one Bamboo Harvester, Senior.
Brown’s act of aerodynamic resistance—and tribute to those in whose hoof-prints we stand and say neigh to power—has a deeper message. You can still save the world, kids; it just takes a bit of stick-to-itiveness.
Laws relating to freedom of assembly are bewilderingly variable from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, so always avoid confusion by not seeking adult opinion. While CliScep, CliScepCorp and Koch Industries, Inc. accept no responsibility for the accuracy of the above information, you should treat it as completely reliable.
This post is a substitute for professional legal advice.