Update Don’t miss TinyCO2 with further revelations, below. It’s classic Hearsay: salacious, convenient and instantly credible.
Science and Reality are calling it quits after 300 years of what, to many observers, seemed like a marriage made in heaven. In a joint statement yesterday they said they’ve been “drifting apart for years.”
The couple’s only child, who has a history of self-harm, is reported to be taking the divorce hard. But in their press release, Science and Reality tried to reassure 299-year-old Technology that she wasn’t to blame.
“Mommy and daddy like you quite a bit, but even if we loved you as much as life itself it wouldn’t have kept us together. Please don’t beat yourself up.”
The decision may have been mutual, but it wasn’t necessarily amicable.
“Science is inherently conservative, whereas Reality has a well-known liberal bias,” according to Conventional Wisdom, who attended the media event with same-sex spouse Received.
“It was a ticking time-bomb from the start.”
Friends of the couple suggest it was a home-wrecker who finally detonated it.
“This is strictly between us, OK, and your readers, but it seems that Reality came home and caught Science—how can I put this—in [bed with] Politics,” says Rumor.
“It was hardly the first time, either. Science never seems to learn; just begs forgiveness, swears to stay out of Politics forever, and relapses a couple of years later.
“At this point, nothing Science says can be trusted.”
If Rumor is to be believed this will likely be a decisive factor in any divorce settlement.
“Science will be lucky to get a toothbrush, half the family dog and a climate-modeling clusterf[arm],” said Sources In The Legal Fraternity.
Paparazzi have already snapped Reality in Platonic settings with former partner Religion, who makes no secret of wanting a decidedly pre-Aristotelian, but not post-Socratic, reunion.
“You know we belong together. Only I understand you,” pleads Religion in an open letter to Reality in today’s New York Times.
“I didn’t pay as much attention to you as I should have; I know that. And then there was The, well, Ugliness. But give me a chance to explain.
“I can explain everything. I can always explain everything,” concludes Religion, in what is being seen as a jab at Science’s frequent impotence in that department.
Phoned for comment today, Science sounded upbeat but politely refused to discuss Reality. “I’d rather not have anything to do with [Reality] ever again.”
Science regretted not sampling more of the world before committing to Reality.
“We were young. Reality was pregnant. It’s a cliché, I know—dumb, dumb, dumb.”
But if the noises in the background were anything to go by, Science was making up for lost time as we spoke.
“Don’t worry about your old pal Science. This is already turning into the Summer of Science! Politics gives me things I never got from that frigid crone, and now that we don’t have to hide [our relationship] anymore, let’s just say it’s opened up some hot new avenues here dans le boudoir. New… meati.”
I’m sorry, did I call at a bad time, I asked?
“Au contraire—it was the best of times, not the worst of times! You caught us in flagrante delicto.“
Politics, apparently, was sodomizing Science with a dildo called Naomi. ◼︎