As you all know, a new style guide was recently introduced by the Guardian to ensure that in future only scientifically accurate terms were to be used when referring to climate change and related phenomena. Whilst Cliscep believes that the style guide already encourages a level of panic undemanded by the circumstances, a leaked email suggests that the editors at the Guardian feel the guide does not go far enough, since there are still a number of relatively benign weather phenomena that would benefit from further hyperbole. The following highly trustworthy reproduction of the email makes the situation clear:
From: Climate Change Reporting Centre of Excellence
To: All Staff
Re: Style guide important update
The introduction of our new style guide has proven highly effective, as evidenced by the fact that hardly anyone in the world refers to ‘global warming’ anymore. However, such is the crisis that confronts us all, it is felt necessary to introduce a number of additional rules for journalists to follow when writing on the subject of global heating and climate breakdown. Consequently, and with immediate effect, the following new terminology is mandated, although the replaced terminology will still be allowed:
a) In climate breakdown, the sun’s rays bring death and destruction and are therefore to be referred to as ‘solar holocaust’. The sunset shall be referred to as ‘holocaust denial’.
b) In climate breakdown, it is no longer the case that rain falls in certain parts of the country; the correct phrase is ‘rain has hit’. Consequently, rainfall is to be referred to as ‘rainhit’. Puddles shall be referred to as floods, and all flooding shall be referred to as a I in 1,000 year event.
c) In climate breakdown, dry conditions are always life threatening. Consequently, in periods of drought, the land shall no longer be referred to as bone hard but ‘Die Hard’. In extreme drought it shall be shall be known as ‘Die Harder’ and in any period of unprecedented drought the soil conditions shall be referred to as ‘Die Hard with A Vengeance’.
d) In climate breakdown, wind is a known killer and so a breeze is to be referred to as a fatal blow.
e) In climate breakdown, the potential for loved ones to become lost in mist, never to be seen again, shall be acknowledged by referring to foggy conditions as ‘sorely mist’.
f) In climate breakdown, the continued ability for cold days to kill the elderly shall be acknowledged by referring to them as ‘denier reaping days’.
g) In climate breakdown, a rate of 3.7mm per year is to be referred to as ‘galloping death’.
h) In climate breakdown, a warm day shall be known as a heatwave, and three consecutive heatwaves shall be referred to as a ‘heat tsunami’.
i) In climate breakdown, the tide shall be referred to as ‘periodic coastal inundation’. High tide shall be referred to as the ‘Major Erosive Tide’, and low tide shall be referred to as the ‘Minor Erosive Tide’.
j) In climate breakdown, glacial retreat may still be referred to as ‘glacial’, but ‘glacial’ now means ‘too fast for the eye to see’.
Any questions are to be referred to the Climate Change Reporting Centre of Excellence – or, as it is soon to be known, the Climate Change Reporting Centre of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda.