Fortune tapped me on the shoulder today and pulled me aside for a cavity audit. That’s right: Anthony and Charles at WUWT have been kind enough to host an article by your servant Brad.

So what’s it about? I’ve only had time to skim it, but here’s my imprécis.

They say we were all homo erectus once. Oh, how the upright have stooped (the author seems to be arguing, if he’s arguing anything). The measure of modern man is as scoliotic as a bristlecone pine on Twisted Tree Heartrot Hill, its silhouette spiraling syphilitically into a starlit sky. Verticality, veracity and virtue are virtually the last traits selected for in this twitty Twistocracy, where vigor favors the vulgar and virulence = virality.

If you ever wondered what happens when The Descent of Man goes too far, regard the taxonomic tree of speciousness that is today’s climate establishment. The article—which I called ‘Welcome to the Shibbolithic’ in the latest sign of my worsening grandiosity and lack of self-awareness—seems to fancy itself some sort of field guide to this dystopiary hedge-maze.

To the far left we can see the Consensus Enforcer (homo homogenistes) and his Objectless cousin (h. h. pilei).

Over there is the drab, vividly-imaginative Antarctic Gridded Interpolator (homo faber). Oh, look: it’s a Climate Porn Addict (homo eroticus) and a Scared Scientist (homo phobicus australis). Behind them, skulking in the shadows, you can just make out a Data Haram extremist (h. obfusc.), contorted by his hatred and fear of the freedom of information we enjoy in the West.

As you proceed, keep your eyes peeled for

• the Serengeti Currysbane (h. misogynistes),
• the yellow-streaked Crockfordsbane (h. misogynistes maritimus),
• the Science Communicator (B. Media),
• the Ex-science Excommunicator (pontifex max.),
• the Oil-Backed Soft Scientist (d. nuccitelli),
• the Ocean Obamification Believer (h. audax),¹
• the Hoggan’s DeSmogBlogger (h. calumniator audax),
• the rank-and-file believalist blogothete (j. blogs),
• and his inseparable symbiote the climate deletionist (h. moderator).

The astute reader will have noticed, but, that this little bestiary suffers from a big omission.

That’s right: as a test of reader astuity, I failed to mention the superweed of our particular stratum in history: Bad Actor (h. sofiacoppola). To find out all you ever wanted to know about this creature but weren’t sufficiently interested to ask, head on over to the Internet’s top website.

Oh, and in case you don’t like my words, there are GIFs. Should my poor essay supply the mirror—or puddle—in which Lewandowsky finally grasps the need to avoid on-camera interviews, then humor’s loss will be humanitarian’s win. ■

Pictured The Fraidy Bunch: Australia’s Scared Scientists (h. ignavus) were thought to be extinct until a handful were sighted in 2016. Experts stress that the species isn’t out of the woods yet, as the survivors are still too scared to mate.

¹ The History of the Climate Debate makes the earliest scholarly mention of the OO meme:

June 4, 2008—The planet ‘began to heal’ and ‘the rise of the oceans [began] to slow’ this morning after registered Democrats stopped being racist. At least that’s what adherents of Ocean Obamification theory desperately want to believe.

Climate psychiatrists call them Retarded Sea Level Change [RSLC] Hopers (h. esperanto audax), but you probably know them as Common Confused Cnuts for their total misunderstanding of what the physics says: that global warming causes racism, not vice versa.