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Invasion of the Lizard People – The Facts

David Attenborough: In a lifetime spent observing Nature, nothing has been more rewarding to me than the time I have spent studying reptiles at the BBC. These cold-blooded creatures can seem so exotic – even off-putting to some – but, at the same time, strangely familiar.

[Image of large lizard with half a small lizard dangling from its mouth.]

David Attenborough: But where did they come from? What are they doing here? And what should we be doing about it?

1st scientist (Ken Rice): Only a few decades ago, the number of known planetary systems in the universe was just one. We have now identified over two thousand, and new ones are coming to light all the time.

[image of planet revolving in a gaudy galactic broth resembling a pub doorway on a Saturday night, from NASA’s inexhaustible stock of What Space Looks Like from the Porthole of Flash Gordon’s Atomic Rocket]

2nd scientist (Charles Darwin): If you’re looking for a class of beings capable of evolving over hundreds of millions of years in extreme conditions, gifted with the patience and tenacity necessary for undertaking the perils of interstellar space travel, then Reptilia, and more particularly Squamata, is your only man.

[Image of Professor Stephan Lewandowsky staring fixedly at the camera, his hands splayed on the desk before him, elbows out.]

Ken Rice: As we discover more and more exoplanets, the chances of there not being one out there inhabited by an invasive reptilian species is becoming vanishingly small.

3rd scientist (Stephen Hawking): Hominids have been evolving for millions of years, yet it was only five minutes ago, mathematically speaking, that we learned to beat each over the head with a bit of wood.

[Image of Michael Mann holding the twisted trunk of a strip bark pine in a threatening manner]

Historian (Naomi Oreskes): ..then in short order we invented the bronze sword, the cooking pot, and methods of establishing scientific truth by the statistical analysis of word searches in abstracts of the peer reviewed literature.

4th scientist (Matt Ridley): Everything we do, we get better at doing – every day, in every way. Sorry, did I say something wrong?

David Attenborough: The time taken to evolve from the age of crude bronze weaponry and interminable epic poetry recited to the sound of a five stringed harp to the age of the modern TV documentary is a mere blinking of an eye in evolutionary terms.

Stephen Hawking: If you take the length of time to develop modern human amenities and divide it by the total time we’ve been evolving to where we are, you get a figure so vanishingly small you might as well toss it into the waste paper basket. And yet here we are. (Well, I’m not, but you are.)

David Attenborough: Who is to say that the humble lizard might not have achieved as much and even more on another planet, unhindered as he might be by rapid asteroid-induced climate change?

Ken Rice: An extraterrestrial, viewing our planet from afar, couldn’t help but notice that it is three quarters covered in water. This would be an irresistible attraction to an aquatic race.

David Attenborough: Were our first extraterrestrial visitors amphibians, as suggested in ancient Babylonian texts? Creatures with short fin-like arms, pointy heads, and scales?

[Image of Professor Stephan Lewandowsky being dowsed by a strange unearthly creature carrying a bucket]

Naomi Oreskes: Did the arrival of these amphibian invaders spell doom to the highest civilisation then present on earth? Does this explain why we have found no trace of Atlantis?

David Attenborough: The first aim of such an invading reptile species would be to insinuate themselves surreptitiously into the ruling élite. But are there tell tale signs, visible to the observant eye, that they are already among us?

[Image of President Macron staring unblinkingly into the camera, his tongue flicking nervously from between his lips]

David Attenborough: The gait of the lizard is highly distinctive, characterised by sudden twitches of the pelvis as it swiftly shifts position in order to confound its predators.

[Image of a gecko’s bottom as it disappears up the wall. Cut to Theresa May crossing the floor of the EU Commission in a nifty pencil skirt.]

(Where was I?)

Ken Rice: The controversy over President Obama’s place of birth is noteworthy in this context. Nothing would be easier than to lay an egg on one continent and hatch it on another.

David Attenborough: Despite the evidence, there are still those would deny reality, or seek to twist it to their own ends..

[Clip of President Trump: “We’re gonna drain the swamp…”]

David Attenborough: …But their anti-bactrian diatribes will come to nothing. The evidence is there.

Naomi Oreskes: Of ten thousand articles in the New York Times about Russian interference in the US presidential election, the number denying that President Putin is an iguana was precisely zero.

[She stares meaningfully at the camera from under her hooded eyelids, then with a flick of her tail disappears under a stone.]

David Attenborough: So what is to be done in the face of this undeniable reality? Should we give up in despair, stop paying our licence fees, and go to live on a remote island in the Pacific?

Charles Darwin: Well, it worked quite well for some. You see…

David Attenborough: Time is too short for learned argy bargy. But we can all do our bit. Change our eating habits for one thing.

[Clip of cool young people eating locust fritters in a smart London pavement bruncherie.]

Ken Rice: We must accept limitations on our freedom of movement. Flying must be kept to a minimum if we are to survive..

[Clip of a chameleon tongue-swatting a passing fly]

David Attenborough: But hope for the future lies with the upcoming generation. They will have to learn to suppress old-fashioned instincts and desires inherited from their warm-blooded mammalian past, and adapt to a radically new lifestyle. Already there are hopeful signs that young people are adapting; learning how to stay cool; how to respond to binary stimuli in a predictable fashion (to the delight of cognitive psychologists); and how to remain in a comatose state for months on end.

It is on the young people that we must depend to lead us out of the past, past the present, into the future that presents itself; a cooler, more cold-blooded future.

[Close up of an egg cracking, out of which emerges a tiny pale creature with hair in plaits. It stares fixedly at the camera. Freeze.]

11 thoughts on “Invasion of the Lizard People – The Facts

  1. “The gait of the lizard is highly distinctive, characterised by sudden twitches of the pelvis as it swiftly shifts position in order to confound its predators.

    [Image of a gecko’s bottom as it disappears up the wall. Cut to Theresa May crossing the floor of the EU Commission in a nifty pencil skirt.]”

    Can’t believe Liv (the climate obsessed researcher for Attenbollocks) would have suggested using a clip of Theresa May here, so missing the opportunity of showing the gyrations of “The King of Rock n’Roll” (but perhaps she’s too young). Or is there a reptilian dimension to Brexit that needs exposure?

    Like

  2. Where does John Hurt fit in with all of this then? Wrong film maybe. How about Predator in Pigtails – as opposed to the more traditional dreadlocks?

    Like

  3. ALAN KENDALL
    The mention of Madam May’s pelvic movements was gratuitous, unfair, and sexist. I apologise. Anyway, I prefer Catalan women. I love the way they sway their hips and roll their Rs.

    Like

  4. Any notion that alien lizards could have taken over the bodies of leading intellectuals and world leaders is utter nonsense. The rapid human-caused warming of recent decades would have caused these reptiles to become all female, thus rapidly making the alien species extinct. See Sex reversal triggers the rapid transition from genetic to temperature-dependent sex – Clare Holleley et al 2015 Nature 523, 79–82 (02 July 2015) doi:10.1038. Unlike the majority of papers in climate science, this paper has unequivocal empirical evidence to support the hypothesis.

    The proportion of sex-reversed females increased each year over the study from 6.7 per cent in 2003 to 13.6 per cent in 2004 to 22.2 per cent in 2011 – suggestive of a trend.

    These percentages were for the following sample sizes.
    2003 was 1 out of 15
    2004 was 6 out of 44
    2011 was 4 out of 18

    Bearded dragon lizards are becoming more female due to global warming. Of course, there is a clear trend in the warming data of the outback. Or rather there would be if expert scientists had correctly adjusted the data. All that we have is the data for Thingymajig Airport (27°59′S 143°49′E), where the data has been adjusted by the unenlightened.

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  5. By the “logic” of global warming this could very well be caused by bearded dragon’s becoming more female.
    Global warming theory explains everything!

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  6. Do those lizards have to take testosterone-reducing drugs before they compete in the race to succeed? How unfair.

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  7. You have nicely captured their intellectual levels. What a sad day for ‘homo sapiens’ – time for a name change in the light of the political and financial success of the CO2 -based Big Scare Industry.

    Like

  8. My favorite:

    “David Attenborough: Were our first extraterrestrial visitors amphibians, as suggested in ancient Babylonian texts? Creatures with short fin-like arms, pointy heads, and scales?

    “[Image of Professor Stephan Lewandowsky being dowsed by a strange unearthly creature carrying a bucket]”

    This was priceless.

    Liked by 1 person

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