Protesting Against Variations in Global Temperature for Teenaged Dummies

Posted on by Brad KeyesIn Greta, Uncategorized7 Minutes Read

Are you an adolescent? Then this post is about the Power of You. One almost-person can make a difference.

And you’re never too young to follow these tips. You don’t need an SAT score to change the climate from an intrinsically-changing entity to a less-changing one for the first time in 4.5bn years.

Update

No, I wasn’t talking about Surface Air Temperature. To clarify:

When Students Attack for a Fairer Atmosphere

They say the youth is the children of the future, but that’s little more than an ungrammatical lie. It’s not in their interest for you to understand your true power. The fact is, your day isn’t tomorrow but today.

You’re the present, and as the present, your absence is the best weapon you have. Your country’s economy—like the universe itself—revolves around teenagers. So you can hold an entire nation hostage by the simple act of declining to turn up where you’re expected to.

Basically, that means school.

Circle-wag. Blow-off. Bludge-in. Class-free day. Civil disattendance. Public remonstration. Whatever you call it, the student anti-carbon strike is an institution that’s here to stay.

The concept is simple, the logic indefeasible. Until grownups take your science seriously, you refuse to learn any.

Messaging

For the sake of the adults whose buy-in you need, let KIFS be your watchword. Keep It Facile, Stupid.

There’s a time and a place for talk of what’s up per square meter, positive libido feedbacks, black bodies, radiation and insulin-dependent diabetic lapse rates. Save this technical mumbo-jumbo for flash-lit gossip at Madison’s slumber party. It’s all Greek to pre-millennials, who didn’t have the benefit of a K-12 education in climate and the related sciences.

Repetition, repetition, repetition:

1. Carbon-pollution molecules are chemicals, and chemicals don’t belong in the air you breathe. You have a UN Right of the Child not to inhale the wages of a previous generation’s sins.

2. Your demands are therefore as simple as they are realistic: a healthy, zero-carbon atmosphere by 2029.

3. GOTO 1.

Steer clear of the divisive and hopelessly-politicized language of global warming and climate change. These facts will immediately alienate the conservative audience, which is skeptical at best (for Biblical reasons) as to whether weather ever changes.

Stick to the headline. Unborn generations are already being poisoned, today. This is a message with proven cut-through across the political spectrum. Right-wing voters might not care about the welfare of children, but they do have to breathe the same carbon-choked miasma that blackens your lungs and your great-great-grandchildren’s. So even if the science is wrong, which it obviously is NOT, cleaner skies are in everybody’s interest.

Dealing with the Media

At some point a major network will approach you for an interview. Think of this as your chance to interview them—and be prepared to walk away. Here’s what you need to ask.

Are they committed to giving both sides of an issue a fair hearing? This tactic, beloved of conservative news organs, is known in academia as false balance. But in a crisis like climate change, there is only one “side.” Any organization that pretends otherwise is just fronting for the other side.

Do they chop and splice the interviews they conduct? A favorite anti-climate editor’s trick is to air raw footage just as it was recorded, awkward pauses and all, to make young people appear embarrassingly out of their depth on the science. If they’re not prepared to resort to cutting-room chicanery, tell them you’re out.

Bottom line: trust your gut. If at any time you feel the interview is becoming two-sided, Schmidt it.

Dealing with Police

At the end of the day, if not earlier, try to remember that police officers are just ordinary men and women doing their job. Also known as the Nuremberg Defense, this makes cops no better than Nazis, and you should treat them accordingly.

Batons, tactical shields, sidearms, aerosolized capsaicin and TASERs, oh my! Don’t let the accoutrements of state terror frighten you. The old rule of thumb applies to all bullies: the better-armed, the bigger the pussy. All the paraphernalia of oppression have one purpose, and one purpose only—to intimidate you into holding a non-violent protest. Don’t fall for it.

The great thing is, the law has no idea how mature you are. At your age you can literally get away with manslaughter, so don’t forget the wisdom of the Dalai Lama: nobody ever regretted the things they committed as a minor, only the things they didn’t commit.

Much like their porcine namesake, the filth can smell fear. So err on the side of insouciance by getting high and/or completely arse-holed before, and during, the all-important day. It’s essential to pack for hydration, of course, but why not get creative? Add a dash of ‘liquid courage’ to every swig of fully recycled bong water.

Mounted Police: Tactical Considerations

The state, in thrall to Big Hydrocarbon, will sometimes deploy equestrian officers or “mounties” to contain climate action. Turn this mistake to your advantage!

Horses are so sensitive to their environment that they’ve often been called nature’s climate scientists. Little wonder they’ve been trying to warn us about the changes they’re experiencing ever since the days of Clever Hans—if only we’d listened to these noble vegans when we still had time.

(Alas, in the words of Pope Francis, “[Climate] skepticism, like all sin, is peculiar to Man.”)

No matter how wasted you are, your natural instincts will scream out to avoid facing a heavy cavalry charge on open ground. Instead of letting panic win, do exactly the opposite. If you calmly stand your ground, the horses are bound to defect to your side at the last possible moment.

Logistics

Planning to drive to and from the rally point? Borrow a trick from mom and dad by naming a ‘designated driver.’ This is traditionally whichever drinking buddy has the most points left on their license. Having him or her take the DUI rap for the group is a great way to show your parents you’re not only seventeen now, but responsible.

After all, you can’t spell ‘trust fund’ without ‘trust.’

That said, sailing is always better. The wind is free energy and, unlike gas, it’s practically colorless. (As an added bonus, drunk-navigation laws are relatively hard to enforce.)

Let your school know you’re going to need an extra week or so off before and after UN World Truancy Day. When the time comes to take the yacht, leave a note so your parental units don’t accuse the deckhands of borrowing her for one of their unpronounceable Latin festivities. Climate change already hits brown people the hardest, but you don’t want their deportation on your conscience too.

Advanced Tips

Ready to take your climate rally to the next level?

Consider drunkenly dashing onto a busy road without warning. You may not get run over, but nothing generates sympathy for your cause like obstructing traffic!

Remember, this isn’t Cuba. [Readers in Cuba should remember the opposite.] Within a capitalist system, in which employment equals exploitation, morning commuters are grateful for any delay. The dead souls inching along the freeway in their metal coffins secretly long for an excuse to punch in an hour late at the insurance factory, where a little docked pay never hurt anyone.

Think about how you can make your strike a lifestyle, not just a one-off, nine-to-three intoxicated stunt. Holistic Action is a philosophy of total inertia, whose founders claim you can apply intense pressure to society just by withholding the countless things you have to offer the world as an adolescent.

For instance, until grownups ratify binding pro-weather treaties you should:

  • refuse to share your unique political insights, no matter how pathetically your elders beg to know who they should vote for.
  • refuse to correct your parents’ musical errors, leaving them to wallow unwittingly in their own so-called taste.
  • refuse to say whether school was “okay” today or merely “alright.” Grownups can only survive so long without this vital information. You know it, they know it.

Fun if True

Bamboo Harvester, known in America’s living rooms as Mister Ed, was far from the first equine leading man on the eponymous CBS sitcom (1961–1966). As many as three previous ‘Eds,’ including Bamboo Harvester’s own sire, had brief tenures on the show before being blacklisted for their outspoken climate concerns. In each and every case the un-American eco-animal was then agglutinated under mysterious circumstances.

In our collective memories, these hoofed heroes of science deserve a seat alongside the Rosenbergs as martyrs to McCarthyist hysteria, according to Professor Naomi Oreskes of Harvard University. The Communist-sympathizing scientist and historian says she devoted an entire chapter of her bestseller Merchants of Doubt to the tale of these courageous geldings.

But this chapter from the Black Book of Capitalism has a happy coda. Two days ago, in a throat-lumping illustration of the circle of life, a young protestor by the name of James Brown was found glued to the fuselage of a planetocidal plane at London City Airport. What did this modern-day saboteur and XR adherent use to hew fast to his principles? The remains of one Bamboo Harvester, Senior.

Brown’s act of aerodynamic resistance—and tribute to those in whose hoof-prints we stand and say neigh to power—has a deeper message. You can still save the world, kids; it just takes a bit of stick-to-itiveness.

IMPORTANT NOTICE

Laws relating to freedom of assembly are bewilderingly variable from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, so always avoid confusion by not seeking adult opinion. While CliScep, CliScepCorp and Koch Industries, Inc. accept no responsibility for the accuracy of the above information, you should treat it as completely reliable.

This post is a substitute for professional legal advice.

31 Comments

  1. You don’t need an SAT score to change the climate from an intrinsically-changing entity to a less-changing one for the first time in 4.5bn years.

    Laughing out loud. We’ve missed you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Brad where oh where did such copper-plated knowledge arise? Has it taken so long (explaining your absence) to assemble this compendium of hope and trivia. It needs printing as a “little brown book” that adolescents can wave about in lieu of their I-phones as they storm centres (or even centers) of power.

    Bet you attended therapy sessions where you had to delve deep into your id, hypothalmus or whatever, to recover your long lost adolescent memory tangle and assemble this masterpiece of guidance. What were you protesting about then? Wallaby sexual mistreatment perchance?

    Think you are misinformed about equines, they can be nasty vicious brutes with big nashers. You forgot Peterloo. Or perhaps is this whole thing is faux guidance, leading yoof to overcommit. Might explain why you are trialling it here.

    Echo Richard’s missing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yep, I’ve often had the privilege of making changes between the Docklands Light Railway and the Jubilee Line (God bless ‘er majesty) at Canning Town. I think there must be a prankster at loose among the XR organisers, as people from across the spectrum have been commenting:

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Alan,

    Please tell us about the steed that hurt you as a child, if your psyche can bear it.

    You’ll be glad to know that, like all prejudices, the hippocriticisms dredged from your hippocampus are vindicated by science, if the evidence is any guide (which it evidently is):

    https://www.theonion.com/shocking-report-says-even-the-smallest-horse-bite-can-b-1819595354

    If I had one qualm, I think the study’s verdict would have been more appeal-proof had an ordinary, family-sized horse breed been used. A Lipizzaner, or one of your Arabs maybe. What kind of parent, with everything we know these days, lets their kid wind up in the jaws of a Weston Super Mare?

    Like

  9. All those sincere complimentados from me upon your industry Brad and you seize upon one eintzi-teintzi critique about perils of vicious nags in the hands of police thugs. You falsely accuse me of having a hatred of the equine as a result of some infant experience.🚼🐎 Far from it. In post-war East London, horses were rather thin on the ground. The rag and bone man had one, but a bit of a bit prevented nasher injury. Anyway it was almost glue-on-legs.🐴
    I would have suggested in your adolescent guidance manual, counter measures with apples and carrots.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. How long until some tech-savvy mimeurge doctors a clip of Emperor Palpatine simpering, “You and your precious rebellion… are now… extinct?”

    Like

  14. Lol.
    Thanks.
    One of the last scenes in Climate of Fear is the lefty woke loser who is in New Guinea or some other extremely primitive location. He went to extoll the virtues of primitive life for the climate. And ends up getting boiled alive as a dinner entree.
    Somehow I think XR’s could make that character a reality.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hunterson, hi mate.

    Yes, the walking stock-cube in your story is a loser, because he’s gullible enough to die for someone else’s lies. But that’s also the reason why he’s the only sympathetic character in the immorality play that is Climatism. In a world of magical justice-wands, a flick of the wrist would whisk the quixotic wretch from the cauldron and plonk one of the Lewandowskies, Mark Maslins or Ron (now Lord) Oxburghs of the world in his place. Not only would the meat of the fat cats of climate go a lot further than scrawny activist-flesh, but the ancient ethical quandaries about cannibalism disappear immediately, because they’re not really human, are they?

    Besides, I hear boiled evil makes a delicious moral desert.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. ALAN KENDALL 17 Oct 2019 7.29am

    Think you are misinformed about equines, they can be nasty vicious brutes with big nashers.

    Think you’re making the same mistake as I made, and confusing Clever Hans with Little Hans. The former explains youth’s mastery of the data, the latter their fascination with gluing themselves to large items of public transport.

    Like

  18. Brad

    …he’s gullible enough to die for someone else’s lies. But that’s also the reason why he’s the only sympathetic character in the immorality play that is Climatism.

    There’s a serious side to you. That is very well said.

    I may do a post shortly about our current UK Brexit situation and its relationship to eco-loonery. Then there’s the issue obliquely raised by Jaime/Darwall’s comment triggered by the Guardian on the XR protest at Shadwell – the Christian element within the eco-gullible. For now, this is how I referred to Geoff on Twitter this morning. Fair?

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Geoff. Now I’m totally confused. Brad only mentions Clever Hans who was definitely a horse, but Little Hans wasn’t, so I don’t think I was confused (bemused perhaps). In his opus Brad suggests that charging equines will change sides (because they have been called “nature’s climate scientists’), and it was this that I disputed. Rather confusingly horses return in his writings as a source of glue, glue perhaps used by adolescent protesters to adhere to planes, buses and buildings. Surely this must be true because XRphiles would only use animal glues wouldn’t they, spurning use of fossil-fuel derived polyethylene and ethylene-vinyl-acetate? Else all I have held dear is dust.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. The multi-billion dollar big green corporation Greenpeace shut down a major bridge and the Houston Ship Channel a national waterway, to protest the evils of modern Life. At first they found themselves treated as expected by our local lefty hack prosecutor: with kid gloves. Then the Federal charges for endangering and impeding a waterway kicked in and the lefty little twits found themselves in real trouble. Perhaps there’s a lesson in that for Europe.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. On behalf of CliScepCorp I would like to offer an unreserved, some would say grovelling, apology for the above article by Brad Keyes which was not vetted and sanitised via the proper channels at our PR department, and would reassure our stakeholders and anyone who might in any way rebuke us on Twitter that we at CliScepCorp remain committed to the noble principles of environmental, social, racial, generational, economic, geographical, climatic, intersectional, planetary and interspecies justice, and to the Ten Principles of the UN Global Compact, the Seventeen Sustainable Development Goals, the Three Environmental, Social And Governance Investment Criteria, the Seven Heavenly Virtues, the Seven Pillars of Wisdom and any other impressive-sounding (yet at the same time perhaps rather tenuous) list of worthy attributes that has been approved by our Board of Directors for the purposes of responsible virtue-signalling and is absolutely nothing to do with any form of cowardly self-interest and bandwagon-jumping whatsoever, no way and nohow. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  24. It has been brought to my notice that the above brief communication from CliScepCorp, which was drafted by a low-ranking employee, contains elements that could be interpreted as satirical, inappropriate and in contravention of the noble principles we publicly espouse. The employee in question has been terminated with immediate effect and is now being processed sustainably in our in-house anaerobic digester. In the meantime, we at CliScepCorp sincerely and humbly hope that this corrective action will avert any reputational damage that might have arisen as a result. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Brad – you forgot to mention Trump –
    has he it right/wrong/not sure? always answer – we hate trump.

    fake news seeps into everything I read/hear & tell the wife.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Hey dfhunter, it’s good to hear from you!

    As a follower of Trump’s adventures, what was your impression of his vicious “nice to see / healthy girl / bright future” hate-tweet about Greta Thunberg? Specifically: is that the only known proof that Trump “does” irony? Or does he have a record in the genre?

    Or was it written with tongue out of cheek after all?

    Like

  29. Brad.
    Trump usually doesn’t do irony, but will sometimes rise to sarcasm, causticity or even acerbity, as when complaining that the Kurds didn’t help America at Normandy.
    But perhaps you were using irony in the Greek tragedy sense where the full understanding of a character’s words is known to the audience but unknown to the character. In which case Trump is a virtuoso.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Hi Alan, thanks for your observations.

    I meant saying-the-opposite-of-what-you-mean.

    Neither “irony” nor “sarcasm” designates that, exactly. Your own definition of the former, in your last comment, would be very hard to improve upon. (And your application of the concept to Trump was a palpable hit.) The definition of the latter, meanwhile, covers any tooth-gnashingly hostile jocularity. The etymology has obvious connections to sarcophagy, sarcomeres etc.

    Perhaps the word I want is closer to “facetiousness.”

    180-degree facetiousness.

    Yes, I like that.

    People seemed amused by this comeback of mine at WUWT, a propos de rien:

    Zig Zag Wanderer
    Brad, I thought your ‘sarc’ tag was permanently on. What changed that?

    Brad Keyes
    My latest bloodwork came back so iron-y, my GP started calling me Ferrous Bueller. So I’ve gone vegivorous for a couple of weeks.

    Please don’t mention sarcophagy—I’m one whiff of my neighbor’s barbecue away from backsliding.

    Fun factoid: for many years, the mammoth in Sesame Street haunted my nightmares. I was convinced he had Mad Mastodon Disease, because the other muppets kept referring to him as encephalophagous. At their wits’ end my parents took me to pediatrician after pediatrician but there was nothing they could do. With any luck I’d grow out of it, they said, and sure enough I was sleeping like a baby by 30.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. hunterson, that link is referencing the hype in Canada is support of re-electing virtue-signalling Trudeau (often now referred to as “Mr. Dressup” due to his costume fetish). Ross McKitrick pointed out that the global average temperature is driven by the ocean, and thus land temperatures will always exceed the global average by twice or more. He also noted that Canada has already warmed by 1.7C, exceeding the dreaded 1.5C threshold. Not only were there no extinctions, it has been a time of flourishing and prosperity. If this be catastrophe, let us have more.
    https://rclutz.wordpress.com/2019/04/15/climate-hearsay/

    Liked by 2 people

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