Recently we asked you, our readers:
What does the United States’ complete pullout from the Parisian front (less the couple of thousand ‘military advisors’ we left behind, *wink wink*) mean to you?
In case you’ve been on a peyote bender in the Atacama, that was an allusion to some game-changing news in the climate “world”: Donald Trump has officially renegged on America’s warmth-guilt payments in Paris (that’s gay Paris—not Paris, Texas) this week.
While skeptics feel the US should have negged on the treaty from the get-go, more sobre voices are describing this announcement as a literal act of war against the Earth herself. The President’s geno-suicidal antics, according to clear-thinking people everywhere, have single-handedly turned the world’s preeëminent hyperpower into an untouchable “scientific outcast.”
Congratulations, meanwhile, to the winners [below] of our valid scientific poll. Remember to check your e-wallets for your $0.01 USD (1.29 × 10-22 bitcoins, or 1.57 × 10-23 for those who opted to be paid in bytecoins).
With added ado, I now present our Survey Results—anonymized for clarity, cherry-picked for effectiveness and summarized for policymakers. ■
Thank you, Mr President, for bringing our servicemen and servicepeople home—but what business did they have in Paris to begin with? Her beguiling alleys and laneways are death-traps for modern infantry, and Baron Haussmann infamously modelled her naked, geometric boulevardes on machine-gun firing ranges.
New Rule: from now on, we have to count to ten before invading anything UNESCO lists as a Graveyard of Empires.
I’d give President Trump six stars if Amazon would let me. Pulling out of Jacques felt almost as good as pulling out of Iraq, which was almost as good as pulling out of Barack. This is really shaping up to be the American Century!
Monsieur le Trompe may like to act the bouffon, but he grasps something his predecessors never did: that Americans are lovers, not fighters. For us Parisians—heirs to Charlemagne—this “conflict” hasn’t been a siege so much as an exercise in shooting fish in a barrel containing nothing but fish. Using a MAUL.
Alors—braveaux, Messieurs Obama et Bush! The Sacred Territory just got even sacreder with the blood of the flower of your youth. Please donate again.
Clichy Sous Bois
Madness. Sheer madness. Empirecraft 101 says you withdraw in stages.
Now we’re about to find out whether cold turkey kills France or just hospitalizes her. She is, after all, an idea; the Land of the Franks was a cartographic fiction at the best of times. Absent a torture-happy regional strongman to keep the more internecine elements in line, the papier-mâché peace that now obtains between her Sunni and Shi’a départements won’t last six months.
When Paris is burning, will we finally heed the lesson any Khanate, Reich or Raj in history could have taught us?
I believe it was me who put it best: Trump’s failure to go along with whatever the rest of the world was doing, I said, represents ‘a shameful abdication of American leadership.’
The whole climate thing is obviously a scam, but would it have killed us to remain in Paris a bit longer… maybe take in some shows? (I for one could have used another day at the Louvre.)
Heck, would it have cost us a single dollar we didn’t volunteer to pay? The most “binding” “document” that ever “emerges” from these “processes” is a large alcohol tab. Why should this year’s politico-scientific feel-good honor-system circle-fap be any different?
In short, We The People call on President Trump to stop being a pussy and go back to the City of Love, but this time we also demand a stopover in Singapore.
Dear America, don’t let the door hit you on your way out to the cold. Please take India, China and the rest of the strictly-ironic participants with you, since they seem to find this whole treaty so amusing.
Good riddance to bad faith, I say. The sooner all the crypto-denier rogue states and oil junkies are out of here, the sooner the other 19% of us can get on with crafting a meaningful, global response to the climate issue.
Which is the greatest threat to life on Earth since telomere attrition.
Weep. Weep for Princess Gaia Organa, our shared mother.
Everyone alive today will remember where they were, what they were teaching and who they were thinking about boning on Wednesday afternoon, when millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. As an Australian climate academic I’m scared of very, very little—but I fear something Alderaany may have happened this week.
As a hardworking vendor of maps, miniature Eiffel towers and scale models of baguettes, I’m stupéfait… this is how Americans repay half a century of warm French hospitality? They’re lucky it goes against every fibre of our national character to hold a grudge, or some tourists from Podunk, Wisconsin might find themselves on the receiving end of a less-verbose-than-usual welcome in my croissanterie tomorrow.
O, what hath man wrought this time? According to scientists the Earth now has a flu, so you just know Mars and Venus are going to have a runny nose and the shits by the end of the week too.
See, America: this is what happens when you allow a scientific dyslexic to occupy the highest, most ovoid office in the land. If only there were a stupidity shot your GP could give you every year, around the start of the ignorance season. Why are our medical scientists dragging their feet? That’s the real story here: the gratuitous annual hecatomb of zero point six trillion dollars in health research. For what? A slightly better med for the impotence all my other meds are causing? Um, what was the question? Yours sincerely, &c.
I’ve always supported both Donald Trump and the office of Donald Trump—but by dragging America into full-scale hostilities with the Earth itself, our current Administration has gone slightly too far.
How many times did the world’s scientists try to tell us: wait until Northern winter to attack the planet, when studies show it’s most vulnerable. But this President doesn’t Do Science, does he? Sigh.
Hail to the Chief! I’m a proud military mum who’s thanking God that her boys will be fighting an inanimate, oblate spheroid this time. It’ll be great to have them home by Christmas for a change.
The desire to ostracize, mock and shame our American cousins for their recent episode of insanity is not only an understandable but a laudable one. That said, as a member of Gujarat’s dalit caste who has Hansen’s disease over 80% of my body and can’t remember where I put the other 20%, I want to challenge the world community to come up with a more imaginative, sensitive and inclusive lexicon of shunning.
Please do not publish this, as US foreign aid pays for the leprosarium I live in.
Have I woken up outside America? Last time I checked, only Congress had the power to make war on planets—whether “foreign or domestic,” in the beautiful and lucid prose of our forefathers.
Ask around: I’m pretty much the last guy who’d ever defend the Earth, much less the loathsome “environment” associated therewith, but still… the Constitution matters. Impeach this peroxide-drunk himbo while there are still some procedural traditions left unflouted!
Four days ago, from the rooftops of Paris, our leader loudly put the planet on notice that a state of war exists between America and Nature. This was obviously a multifactorial decision about which reasonable people can disagree.
On one hand, the Earth has had this coming to it for years. On the other hand, would you send your son or daughter into battle for a Commander in Chief who so casually throws away the advantage of surprise?
Right now, several villages in China are powered entirely by the revolving cadaver of Sun Tzu.