The Silence of the Lamb Koftas

Alert readers may have noticed that our joint blog has been dominated by Brad Keyes lately, and that the rest of us have been pretty silent. This is partly because Brad, living in a distant time zone, posts when we’re asleep. Some of us Brits are getting on a bit and need tucking up early. What’s more our aging synapses don’t snap to attention as they used to, so it takes all my time to read Brad’s posts and occasionally click like on a comment, I mean click on a comment, like.

As we’ve remarked before – frequently – we clisceppers have differing political opinions, but in our extremely boring internal mails we almost always agree, or agree to disagree (except for the two of us who are Marxist renegades, who fight like members of the First International, but what would you expect?)

And here in Europe we’ve had other things to engage our attention, like elections in France and Britain and soon Germany, and the Trump Triumphal march from Riyad to Jerusalem to Rome to Brussels to Sicily, the biggest thing to happen in Europe since the Carthaginian elephant crossed the Alps accompanied by a troop of hannibals. Where will it all end?

According to the French media, the Trumphant world tour ended with our new young virile gerontophiliac president Emmanuel Macron lecturing the Donald (Trump, not Tusk – let’s not muddle our pachyderms. Both were at the NATO and G7 meetings, but only one of them won an election in the world’s most powerful democracy {the other lost an election in his own country and was immediately appointed Grand Vizir of the world’s richest, most undemocratic customs union} where was I? Oh yes) lecturing the Donald on the need to abide by the Paris Accords, or Treaty, or Creed, or whatever, on Climate Change. Or if not abide, at least shut up until the leaders of the free world all got safely back home out of the G7 limelight, as President Macron explained to President Trump, in his impeccable banker’s business school bullet-point/proof English. I translate a transcription of his informal baraking here:

Hi Donald. Yes, yes, the shoulder’s fine. Only a slight dislocation. Yes of course you may squeeze my bottom for the cameras. But lightly please. I bruise easily. Yes; I know nobody is going to abide by a silly old agreement signed in Paris years ago, but I ask you to understand our predicament. We have no frackable petrol. Well, we have, billions of cubic metres of it, but we’re not allowed to frack it. Why not? Because two percent of the French electorate vote Green, which is why I’ve just named France’s most popular ecologist TV presenter as number two in my government, because if I didn’t, that two percent would be on the streets and the airport runways and invading the nuclear power stations and throwing Molotov Cocktails at the police, and what would that do to my ratings?

And of course I know nuclear is clean and carbon free, but do you think I can explain that on French TV? It’s not like Fox News or CNN where the journalists at least pretend to know something about the subject.

Look, I know the Paris Agreement is as important as a fart in an ocean of methane hydrate, but it’s the great pride of the last (socialist ) administration, of which I was a minsiter for two years, and I need the votes of President Hollande’s disappointed followers. Already I’ve got his Ministress of the Environment, ex-mistress and mother of his four children, Ségolène Royal breathing down my neck like a Harpy with the runs. There’s only so many well-preserved French grandmothers one man can support.

I know that the USA, thanks to the development of fracked gas, is the only country in the developed world which stands a chance of meeting its carbon emissions targets in the short term. And I’m only interested in the short term. In five years I’ll be back at Rothschild’s at a salary that makes the President of the world’s fifth richest nation look like a Roumanian beggar at the entrance of the Louvre. In the meantime, I’ve got an electorate to support which has the world’s greatest concentration of efficient autoroutes and cheap hypermarkets but which insists on believing that local organic produce brought to market by an ox-drawn waggon is the French Way. So please can you do me a favour and not mention Paris and COP21, at least for the next month, until our elections are over?

You went to Saudi Arabia, where they cut off the hands of guys who fondle the mammaries (or “roberts” as we call them in France) of women who are not their wife, or wives. You submitted to their quaint customs, as far as we know. At Jerusalem you did your thing at the wailing wall.

You went to the Vatican, where rules of sexual conduct are even more strict (though the punishment less rigorous, we are led to believe.) Again, you didn’t put a foot wrong.

You went to Brussels, to question the NATO official policy of launching an atomic war on Russia if it should ever seek to defend the rights of the several million Russians who happen to find themselves citizens of the NATO states of Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia and Montenegro. We both know that NATO is bollocks, and thank goodness your election means that this evident truth can now be acknowledged. But unfortunately my electorate, consisting of sophisticated university-educated Parisians, hasn’t yet cottoned on to this fact, obvious to your redneck electorate.

Now here we are in Italy, Sicily, to be exact, whose politics are still influenced by the same organisation which wielded such political power in for instance Chicago and New York in 1960. President Kennedy, elected in that year, was the last president whose satyriasis can challenge your own.

At each stop in your peripetia you conformed to the rites of the place. Please understand that our religion here in Europe is Global Warming. We don’t give a bullock’s fart for the thousands of women and children torn to shreds by bombs dropped by our alliance in Iraq, Syria or Afghanistan, or those killed in the Yemen by the bombs we sell to the Saudis. But you know that.

What you perhaps don’t appreciate is that Global Warming is our creed. We don’t question it. Journalists who refuse to repeat its mantra are sacked. It’s our religion. And we demand that you accord it the same respect as you accorded to Islam in Riyad, Judaism in Jerusalem, and Catholicism in the Vatican.

Thanks Donald. Now you may pat my bottom, or pull my shoulder out of joint all you want. Please.

5 thoughts on “The Silence of the Lamb Koftas

  1. If the Paris Accord is not formally repudiated it will be used as part if a Court ruling and imposed by judicial fiat. Obama precisely knew this when he signed it. We have at most a year or two and probably much less to prevent the climate extremists from winning it all. Paris is like a secular non-rational Nicene creed. Repudiate it soon or it will be too late for the world.

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  2. Paris is the successor to Kyoto, which actually expired in 2012, but was left on life support until it could be replaced. The UN Commissars are patient people. The UN was created in 1945, the first Earth Summit was in 1972, the second in 1992, the Kyoto “Accord” was first agreed in 1997, but did not become the Kyoto “Protocol” until 2005, after Russia ratified it as a result of being given membership of the WTO.

    Currently, Russia has not yet ratified the Paris Accord as she is seeking acknowledgement of its vast forest regions as “carbon sinks”, therefore meaning they have to do nothing about reducing “carbon” emissions.

    Deja vu:
    “Administration Agrees to Separate Dialogue”
    By Juliet Eilperin, Washington Post Staff Writer
    Sunday, December 11, 2005;

    “Despite the Bush administration’s adamant resistance, nearly every industrialized nation agreed early Saturday to engage in talks aimed at producing a new set of binding limits on greenhouse gas emissions that would take effect beginning in 2012.

    In a separate accord, a broader coalition of nearly 200 nations — including the United States — agreed to a much more modest “open and nonbinding” dialogue that would not lead to any “new commitments” to reduce carbon dioxide emissions associated with climate change.

    After nearly two weeks of intensive talks aimed at drawing up international plans to curb global warming, ministers and diplomats will today offer an agreement with no firm timetable for action.
    The United Nations-sponsored talks in Montreal, Canada, are intended to pave the way to a successor to the Kyoto Protocol, the emissions-cutting treaty that will expire in 2012.”

    Scotsman.com News – Sat 10 Dec 2005
    James Kirkup

    “There is a particular, special concern about the United States because they are such a major economic power.”

    Stavros Dimas, the EU Environment Commissioner, also sought to increase the pressure on the US. “Sixty years ago Winston Churchill told the US Congress that the United States always does the right thing, after having exhausted all other options,” Mr Dimas said in Montreal. “I think it will be very difficult for the United States not to join the dialogue that has almost unanimous support.”

    The Paris Accord will eventually become the Paris “Protocol” with legal force.

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  3. Nicely done to understand Trump’s tour as visiting the capital’s of great world religions, only missing out on Paris, most recent shrine of Global Warming.

    In ancient days, people made idols in their own images and worshiped them to ensure favorable weather, crops and prosperity. Today, these icons take the form of computer models whose projections are sure to scare the bejesus out of us. And of course, fossils fuels play the role of sacrificial lamb whose demise is required for Nature to treat us benignly.

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  4. If the Trumpful progress was an attempt to visit the centres of the world’s major religions, why didn’t he go to India or Tibet? After all his hair is clearly a follower of the Zen tradition.

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