After fulfilling some last-minute media commitments, Fidel’s bloodless cadaver is incinerated and pulverized at a “magnificent” state funeral.
NEW YORK Sunday
In Turtle Bay, the United Nations lowers Israeli standards to half-mast.
In Kings Place, The Guardian lowers editorial standards to half-assed.
The paper today eulogizes Fidel as “the original SJW” and a man “who was born in a mansion but loved the poor so much that he forged an entire nation of them.”
Sobbing inconsolably, the House of Saud—which has been friends with the House of Castro since forever—lowers women to half status, making them eighteenth-class citizens, for a respectful 40-day period.
All across the Scottish landscape, wind turbines will run at half efficiency this week by order of Roseanna Cunningham, Minister for Alternative and Imaginary Energies, who hasn’t heard about Castro yet.
WEST BANK Monday
American flags are burned at half-mast today following Al-Jazeera’s revelation that Fidel had been in the prime of his life on Saturday morning when he died as a complication of CIA assassination.
The Arab street (a leafy semi-commercial strip running from the crossroads of History to the graveyard of Empire) has been an occidentophobic, accidentophilic powder-keg ever since the turn of the millennium, when US intelligence admitted giving Yasser Arafat AIDS.
Observers of the neighborhood and its explosive residents are therefore unsurprised when a low-burning flag ignites a pro-Fidel, anti-infidel intifada at 4:41pm.
Cuba’s current Castro sings the praises of Sunday’s pre-dawn state funeral, which he says “would have made El Comandante bloat with the gases of patriotic pride” had he lived a day or two longer.
“It was one of history’s cruelest jokes to take Fidel from you [on Saturday], just before he could witness your finest hour,” Raúl tells his people in a special broadcast.
Cubans at home and abroad second the wish that their former President had been alive to experience his cremation.
On the proverbial Pyongyang omnibus, Fidel Castro’s name was pronounced with such affection, and such difficulty, that most knew him simply as 중요한 수염 삼촌 (Important Beard Uncle).
In a spontaneous gesture of sorrow, North Koreans will switch off their lights and electrical appliances this evening—painting an entire country hearse-black for the second night in a row—say spokesmen for the Kim family, which owns the medium-sized Asian nation.
Exports of freedom, democracy and American ideals to Cuba have been suspended for two weeks out of respect for the privacy and autonomy of the grieving island, announces CIA Director John Brennan.
Naomi Klein—the ubiquitous author and iconic symbol of the No Logo movement—observes an entire minute’s media silence, which is believed to be a personal record.
For 99 lucky dissidents this is the last day they’ll spend in Tiananmen Political Prison. In a salute to the humanitarianism for which Fidel was famous, Premier Li grants the criminals a 21-gun firing squad.
In an emotional broadcast Cuba’s President declares a mourning period of 365 days for his predecessor Fidel, the revolutionary leader who was “almost like a brother” to him.
The President (“Raúl” to his constituency) calls on all Cubans to show their sadness by giving up one luxury for a year—be it long-distance vacations, Italian automobiles, free speech, French couture, or whatever they feel they can sacrifice.
“Fidel would have wanted you to be miserable,” says his successor.
Raúl goes on to describe how—growing up—he somehow had a sense of identifying with, and yearning to take after, the great freedom fighter with whom he even shared a surname. If not for Fidel, muses the country’s 18th President, he probably never would have gone into the presidency profession himself.
VATICAN CITY Wednesday
Pope Francis orders the release of 99 puffs of fumata nera from the Sistine Chapel in memory of the guerrillero who showed him how to roll his first spliff.
President Assad orders the release of 99 dissidents from a military prison in honor of his late friend and ally. Somewhere in the Syrian Desert the 87 men and 12 boys are given their freedom, a knife, a compass and a ten-minute head start.
At the bottom of Latin America’s pyramid of peoples, the dispossessed, under-represented, over-incarcerated castes always had a special place in their heart for the Great Leveler.
This afternoon, in a silent and dignified demonstration, Brazil’s poorest million will remind the world of their sorrow by being black.
Climate thinkers—who would normally be feeling terrified—have been in a devastated mood for a change this week.
Today, thanks to the cat-herding skills of Stephan Lewandowsky, they manage to pull it together enough to take part in a 60-minute-long ‘no fly zone.’ The charity event, Grounded Hearts, raises £95,000 in pledges.
The concept is simple. Ordinary people everywhere “sponsor” their favorite scientists to abstain from non-recreational air travel for an hour. All proceeds will go to help the world’s most vulnerable people—Cubans with cerebral palsy—by funding innovative climate research.
“Grounded Hearts has no administrative costs or overheads,” Lewandosky promises on the NGO’s blog. “So give generously, knowing that every cent goes straight to the community that needs our help more than ever this week[—the scientific community].”
Thanks to the passage of ‘Fidel’s Law,’ possession of Cubans is now a Class A felony.
North Koreans continue to grieve for their Caribbean comrades. Sources above the 38th parallel say they’ve ”barely eaten a thing” all week.
Construction cranes in Edalat (Justice) Square dip to half-mast today when 25 teenagers are hanged in a homophobic homage to Fidel.
Officials finally name the woman—known popularly as Suttee Girl—who threw herself on Fidel’s pyre, achieving 15 minutes of excruciating, screaming fame on YouTube.
Sunday’s funeral turned to tragedy when the unidentified woman became unidentifiable by joining the beloved izquierdista, humanista and feminista in incineration. Cellphone video reveals that she shouted the words “¡Br-exit, Cl-exit, Castr-ación, no puedo más!” a number of times before jumping a security rope and immolating herself without warning.
Social-media forensics has succeeded where dental evidence couldn’t. It turns out that Suttee Girl was a meme-ber or ‘storm-troper’ of #WorstYearEver, a list of Twitter users who are opposed to the year 2016 AD.
The group’s thought system is thought to be expressed by the equation Brexit + Trump + Fideath = annus deplorabilis, says Thought Police Commissioner J. M. Castro.
The martyr, adds Castro, was a 29-year-old associate lecturer at La Universidad de Santiago de Cuba who cremated herself to raise anti-2016 awareness.
Her family becomes the front-runner to win this year’s coveted Revolutionary Medal for Child Sacrifice.
Acting on a tipoff, CIA and Border Protection interdict eight shipping containers’ worth of freedom, democracy and American ideals bound for Havana. At a street value of almost $20,000, it is the largest seizure of abstract nouns in law-enforcement history.
Three Cuban-American males are being interrogated extrajudicially, deny officials.