And all I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer her by.
                                 — John Masefield, Sea Fever (1902).

It is quite wrong, apparently, to believe Melbourne University academics patrol the far frontiers of cloud cuckoo land. After all, according to the official reckonings, the institution  ranks top among Australian universities and about 40^th globally for scholarly excellence.[1]

The university has a team, Melbourne Climate Futures, brimming with excellence and pushing innovative stuff like converting bulk and container ships to sailing vessels. Upholding tradition at what sneering detractors know as the Parkville Asylum, the think tank is a fine successor to the university’s Melbourne Sustainable Society Institute (MSSI), of which I have often writtenhere at Quadrant Online. Vice-Chancellor  Duncan Maskell (pay package $1.5m), brutishly axed the Sustainable Society four years ago, insisting it was unsustainable.

Today’s “Climate Futures” has spawned Climate Kids. It’s a five-video portfolio launched in February to let small fry know – in the kindest possible way – that the climate emergency is upon them. Unless they do school strikes, reject consumerism, avoid plastic, and nag their parents into electric cars, the planet will see hot-house Armageddon in next to no time.

The videos are presented by Dr Lily O’Neill, Senior Research Fellow at Climate Futures, and Dr Linden Ashcroft[2], Senior Lecturer in Climate Science and Science Communication. They promise, Netflix-style, that Series 2 is in the works. How old is the target audience? Primary schoolers, they say, but with mentions of Playschool’s Bluey and shouts of “Boo! Fossil fuels!”, the focus seems to be at the 6-year-old end.

The videos, which excoriate “yucky” fossil fuels, have been welcomed by top climate scientists. Indeed, climate guru Dr David Karoly, even though he’s a grown-up[3] and helped fact-check the videos, begged to be admitted to the audience at Lily and Linden’s August 11 showing for Science Week. “Absolutely, David, we’d love to have you,” Linden enthused. The videos for teachers are all here:

Ep 1: What is climate change?

Ep 2: Can technology save us?

Ep 3: Why are we still digging up fossil fuels?

Ep 4: The oceans

Ep 5: Snow and ice

I tally the views at 80,000, of which Video One got 69,000, prompting me to theorise that most teachers gave Video One a try and never came back for more. Wisely, Climate Kids turned off comments, otherwise there would be be some fruity ones. In Video 1, Linden and Lily channel Climate Change Minister Chris Bowen and tell kids (6mins20):

We have to stop using fossil fuels in everything that we do and transition into alternative energy sources… Australia is currently not doing its fair share to stop climate change. Why don’t you write a letter or make a video for the Prime Minister and ask them [sic] to do more? Tell them that it’s your planet, not theirs. 

Or there are loads of other good ways you can have your voice be heard. Join a school strike for climate, for example, on a Friday. You can even get a sick certificate signed by a climate doctor to get out of school. But make sure you ask your parents first. 

Thanks for joining us for this first episode of Climate Kids. Don’t forget to tune in for more exciting questions about climate change.

I don’t think the pair should be telling kids to short-change their education by ducking classes. The latest NAPLAN shows a third of students lagging on literacy and numeracy and with 10% needing special support. University tutors tear their hair out over incompetent, semi-literate essays.

Sure, it’s normal these days for pre-school and primary kids to be harangued by warmists from inside and outside the classroom.  The Climate Kids video is still (just) within the envelope of sanity. Things all go pear-shaped by Video 4, where Lily and Linden espouse a return to sailing ships for the world’s trade. Why? To lower emissions, of course. How? Build new sailing ships and summon billowing sails to propel today’s bulk-carriers and 24,000 unit container ships.

Lily and Linden have imbibed this sensible plan from their colleague, Senior Lecturer Dr Christiaan De Beukelaer, the Southern Hemisphere’s top exponent (not that there’s many) of sail power for cargo ships.

I have a soft spot for barques and clippers. In 1968 as a fresh-faced Perth reporter, I interviewed old sea-dog Mr J.L. Rycroft, then 74, of Mt Lawley. He’d rounded Cape Horn seven times under sail, and was shipwrecked off San Salvador. He survived on tinned herring and turtle eggs.[4] Good on you, Lily and Linden, for guiding us back to the romance of the sailship.

In their video (1min), a kid, Theo, asks Dr Lily, rather weirdly, “Are boats bad for the ocean?” She explains that “kayaks canoes, rafts, rowboats and sailing ships” are fine, but

it’s when you add an engine to these boats that they start to become bad for the ocean. And we have a lot of big boats or ships in the world with a lot of really large engines. These ships are really noisy and for animals like whales that noise can be horrible.

Her main issue might not be maintaining peace of mind in the seagoing Cetacea communitybecause offshore wind farms are also said by some to be bad for whales’ ears. Dr Lily throws the conundrum to Dr Linden, who the video posits is living 30 years in the future and appears alongside solar panels and a sign, “You did it! Planet saved.” Linden replies,

The biggest problem with the way that you use ships in the past [ie now] is the fuel. They run on oil or gas, both fossil fuels, which if you will remember from our previous episodes are the key villains of climate change.. Fossil fuels! Boooo!

To get the little ones’ attention the above comes with graphics depicting snarling oil and infernal gas critters.

And boats that travel the world contribute a huge amount to carbon emissions. In fact, back in your time [2025], if international shipping was a country, it would be among the top 10 carbon dioxide emitters in the whole world. 

It’s because people are shipping 11 billion tonnes worth of stuff around the world each year. That’s like 22 billion large male elephants [clouds of them fall from the sky], which is a heck of a lot of elephants. [Eh? Check her arithmetic].[5] And all of that shipping burns a whole lot of yucky, toxic oil and gas.

Linden gilds the lily –I intend no pun, Dr Lily — by claiming emissions turn the sea more acidic and dissolve the shells of little sea critters. Cute hermit crabs are shown begging kids for mercy. “Imagine that,” she exclaims, as if the oceans are fuming like battery acid.[6] And now for reversion to sail:

Dr Lily: “But there are lots of exciting things happening because engineers and other sailing experts are trying to increase the amount of sailing ships in the world. This is my friend, Dr Christiaan [De Beukelaer]. He is one of those experts who is really excited about the future of sailing ships.

Sailing ships are pushed through the water by wind in their sails. Wind is a renewable resource and so is great for the ocean. Here are some of the sailing ships being used in the world with wind power right now.

Cut to pics of three latter-day cargo sailing ships. The largest might carry about the same tonnage as a mere 15 semi-trailers.

Enough said, Climate Kids’ case is now established for sail over those “yucky” ships’ engines. But our lecturers aren’t through with the kids yet. Dr Linden proposes they “need less stuff” and ought to take the pressure off the world’s shipping by frequenting op shops, buying local, and re-gifting their presents. And here’s her kicker:

Another cool thing you could do is maybe learn to sail. It’s not only super fun but it’s going to become a very useful skill as you come into my future [around 2050, when three kids are shown steering a sailing ship].

She adds, “You want to avoid buying things that have any disposable plastic [Remind me, what are mobile phones made of?] If you see someone littering, dob them in.”

Keep in mind this is Labor’s Melbourne, Stasiland of the 2020s. During our world-record Covid lockdown, grannies really were ‘dobbed in’ for illegal sitting on park benches, so Dr Linden espouses a grand tradition of informing.[7]

Although it hurts my brain, I’ll run through more key messages.

Video 1 (6mins, with Dr Linden): “We have been using these fossil fuels in large amounts from the 1800s with the inventions of trains and artificial lights and large machinery. And from about the 1850s they began to warm our planet and you may have heard that this is not a good thing. So how can you help stop it? Well you have to stop using fossil fuels.”

Video 2: Time-travelling Dr Linden says (1min):  “I am very pleased to report that from where I am 30 years into the future, almost all the power in the world is being generated by solar panels and wind turbines. These things are one of the standout winners of the climate fight. And they have done a great job of knocking out coal and oil and gas. Boo! Fossil fuels!” [A pretty wind turbine clouts ugly coal and gas boxers].

At 4mins: Most of the things that you did in the past that put greenhouse gases up in the air like driving cars or turning on lights and powering your TVs and fridges and stuff can be replaced much much more cheaply with wind and solar energy.

Reality check: A friend’s power bills for a small Melbourne townhouse soared above $2000 last year, before cash subsidy.

Dr Linden recommends earth-science/engineering studies because “There are some moreminerals and elements that you might need to get to a fully sustainable future”. This seems an understatement given the renewables transition involves raising lithium output by a factor of 30 by 2040; cobalt by 12 times; nickel 15 times; copper, 3 times; rare earths 6 times; graphite 15 times; and manganese 3 times.[8]

Video 3:  They make an all-out attack on Australia’s fossil-fuel exports of $200 billion, which Dr Lily says [2.30mins] should be fully counted in our emissions strictures. She tells a kid called Tom that it’s “a bit like giving your little brother open pots of paint and then saying it had nothing to do with you when he paints the wall with them.”

Dr Linden: I occasionally pop my head into alternative futures. And the one where we continue to dig up and use fossil fuels is a pretty horrible future to be in. It’s way too hot, there’s lots of floods and bushfires, and it is a whole lot less of a pleasant place to live.

She explains to kids in her headmistress style (3.50) that “ lots of people are making lots of money from fossil fuels and not enough has been done to force them to stop.” This wisdom is accompanied by a shots of a freeway scene featuring what are, presumably, evil motorists.

Both academics then argue to schoolkids that Aborigines, unlike us white interlopers, should have ownership of minerals and veto rights over mining on Country. They trot out the left-wing Australia Institute canard that fossil fuel companies here get $11-plus billion a year subsidies which Dr Lily says “is pretty silly”.

Linden tells kids to write letters and make videos telling the Prime Minister and local governments “just how bad you thought it was that subsidies were being given to fossil fuel companies.” She predicts that these epistle-writing sub-teens will have such an impact that the government ends the (non-existent) “subsidies”. In fact, the vast bulk of that annual “$11-plus billion” is fuel-tax concessions for mining outfits’ heavy vehicles. Who’s being “pretty silly”?

Video 4: Already covered (bulk and container carriers become tall ships)

Video 5: this one’s the most morose. Lily and Linden go to Bright in Victoria’s High Country, which seems to be Lily’s home base, to talk to primary kids about the death of snow. Teachers have already cancelled the kids’ joy, judging by the glum questions.

Nine-year-old Sophie, wearing her ski helmet (1.20) wonders if she can ski when she’s older if “all the snow around the world melts”. Boy Astin says, “I love skiing but the snow is nearly gone, does climate change have an effect on it?” Eleanor asks, “Will it still snow in 50 years?” (This last question brought to mind East Anglia University’s climate scientist Dr David Viner, who said in 2000 that within a few years in the UK, “Children just aren’t going to know what snow is.”) Then Madi asks Lily, “Is this just a bad winter or is it going down with global warming?”

Dr Lily warns (2.30): There’s a fair bit of bad news when it comes to snow. We’re already seeing much less snow than we used to, as well as our snow melting much more quickly. And this is happening because of the warming climate caused by greenhouse gases we humans are releasing into the atmosphere. [The planet shown sweating]. And ski resorts all around the world are closing because of too little snow.

She flaunts a declining 75-year graph of snow at Spencer’s Creek, NSW, to prove her case. But contrary to this shtick, the latest ski season seems pretty good. For example: “Over the weekend, Perisher has received 10cm of fresh snow, and the conditions are looking fantastic!” (Perisher press release, August 18). Other resorts, as always, show mixed results.

Dr Linden, from the year 2050, says there’s not much snow globally (3.30).

So I’m sorry to tell all you kids who love snowball fights and tobogganing and skiing and snowboarding, we are able to do it a lot less than you do now and much less than your parents could do when they were kids. Sophie, I’m sorry but you probably won’t be able to ski as often at mountains like Mount Buller or Mount Hotham but you might be able to ski a bit more at Mount Kosciuszko … What is helpful [compared with artificial snow-making] is stopping burning fossil fuels as quickly as possible. Every bit less you use will lessen the impacts here [2050].Lily and Linden next tell the kids about the sad, impending fate of allegedly drowning islands like Tuvalu – except in the real world Tuvalu is expanding along with hundredsmore tropical isles.[9] Dr Lily says the very existence of Fiji is threatened, notwithstanding that its Mount Tomanivi stands 1300m high. And Australia’s coast dwellers are also “badly affected” (even though waterfront housing fetches premium prices). Oh, and kids are informed Arctic sea ice is “melting” – but not that the trend’s been flat for the past 20 yearsdespite burgeoning CO2.

This final Video 5 tunes in to psychologist Dr John Cook and his book “Cranky Uncle” explaining to kids how to defeat adult ‘deniers’. By way of background, know that Cook hung out with some pretty strange folks; see Reichsfuehrers of the Climate Con Job

Dr Linden says that with Cook’s help, kids are to convert parents and adults to the global warming cause,

and the many awesome things you can do to make a difference. You wrote letters to your local Member of Parliament and the Australian Environment Minister telling them it was time to stop allowing new mines for coal, oil and gas … So you protested outside their offices with clever science. It made such a big difference. Thank you.

And thank you, Doctors Lily and Linden, for giving matriculants a handle on whether to commit $30,000 for a Melbourne University science degree.

Tony Thomas’s latest book, Anthem of the Unwoke – Yep the other lot’s gone bonkers is available from Connor Court, $34.95 

[1] 39^th in latest THE rankings

[2] Dr Ashcroft refers casually to Melbourne as “Naarm” and a decade ago posted on Facebook a Greens Party slogan, “I’m with Ellen” – presumably current Victorian Greens leader Ellen Sandell. Dr O’Neill says she was born when CO2 in the atmosphere was 341 parts per million. The bad news for Dr O’Neill: it’s now 428ppm.

[3] “Climate Kids Live is aimed at primary school-aged children, but they are welcome to bring their grown-ups.”

[4] Interview miraculously preserved as  “Shipwrecked with Captain Clink” in Tony Thomas’s “The West – An insider’s tale – a romping reporter in Perth’s innocent ‘60s”, Connor Court, Redland Bay QLD, 2018, pp193-5.

[5] I quarrel with Dr Linden’s arithmetic. A large male elephant weighs 2 to 6 tonnes, so taking the mid-point of 4 tonnes, 11 billion tonnes of freight equals close to 3 billion elephants, not 22 billion of the beasts. Conversely, 22b elephants equates to nearly 90b freight tonnage. If as Dr Linden implies, the large male elephants weigh half a tonne, that’s just the weight of about three warthogs.

[6] The supposed “acidification” is modelled, not measured, and so insignificant as to be harmless.

[7] It was like the USSR in 1932, when authorities celebrated 12yo Pavlik Morozov for dobbing in his father to the Gulag.

[8] Mineral projected demand increases based on mid-points of IEA and other scenarios, and dependent on numerous assumptions such as penetration rates of electric vehicles.

[9] Duvat: 709 islands, of which 89% stable or growing; Holdaway, 509 islands, of which 78% stable or growing.